You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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