So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
