Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
