I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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