After last night, I could never be a politician.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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