bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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