everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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