I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
