I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
