yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
