I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My vagina is very pro this idea
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
