he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
