Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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