You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
