Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
