I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
