If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
