i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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