I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
