FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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