sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
How external is "for external use only"?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
