the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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