You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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