i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
