put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
