I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
