Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
