I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
