Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
