On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
