I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
