Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
