I can tuck mytits in my pants
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
