Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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