From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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