I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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