my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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