Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
