I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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