Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
