No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
