And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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