I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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