i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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