I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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