She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
