I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
