Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
