Can i not drive my cunt home
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
