I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
