apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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