she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
