I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
