If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
